See the season one quotes here.
Episode One, "Pawnee Zoo".
"So, here's the situation," Ron starts to say. Leslie launches into "Parents Just Don't Understand", then says, "Okay, so what's the deal?" "Um, someone is on fire at Ramsett Park, and they need you to get there right away."
"I really hit rock bottom that night....and I mean that I literally fell into the bottom of a pit and hit a rock. And I remember thinking, 'There's probably a reason I'm down here. And single.' And then my next thought was, 'I need morphine.'" - Mark.
"People in Pawnee really don't like their government employees being activists...Last year, a garbage man was suspended for wearing a Livestrong bracelet." - Leslie.
"Tom, I know you're not gay." - Leslie. "Yes." "But you are effeminate." "What?!" "Well, you're wearing a peach shirt with a coiled snake on it." "That was featured in Details magazine!" "Whatever, you're effeminate. Anyway, the point is, do you think marrying two penguins made some kind of statement?" "Yeah. The statement is....that you're very lonely and you need a pet."
"The thing about youth culture is....that I don't really understand it..." a perplexed Leslie comments after being introduced to April's gay boyfriend.
"Mark was brought to my hospital the night of the accident, he was here for a week; I think when his head hit the ground it must have knocked something loose, because he's actually....a pretty nice guy now. And Andy, after we broke up, he told me he was going to Kansas, to...climb mountains? So...I don't really know where he is." - Ann.
"I think you should go on that date with Mark. Look, he might not be my gay penguin, but he may be yours." - Leslie to Ann. "Okay?" "Plus I already called him and said you were dying to go out with him. So have fun." "Huh?!"
Episode Two, "The Stakeout".
"Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of our plants, I just give her the names of rappers." - Tom. "Ron, did you get my texts?" - Leslie. "No." "Did you get my emails?" "Mm-um." "Did you see that I paged you?" "I did not." "Did you check your voicemail?" "I didn't."
"I would like to be President someday, so no, I have not tried marijuana. I did eat a brownie once, though, in college. It was intense. Kind of indescribable, really. Felt like I was floating. Turns out there wasn't any pot in the brownie; it was just an insanely good brownie." - Leslie.
"You're not from here, right?" - Leslie. "No; I'm from South Carolina." - Tom. "But you moved to South Carolina from where?" "My mother's uterus."
"Well, where did the name 'Haverford' come from?" - Leslie. "My birth name was Darwish Sabir Ishmael Gani. but then I changed it to Tom Haverford, because, y'know, brown guys with funny-sounding Muslim names don't get really far in politics." Leslie thinks for a second. "What about Barack Obama?" "Okay, yeah, fine. If I knew Barack Obama was gonna become President, maybe I wouldn't've changed it."
"Do you live here?" It's way into nighttime, and Ron's still sitting at his desk because of a hernia. "April?" "Yeah. Do you live here?" "No." "Catch." She lobs a highlighter at him, which bounces off his face. "Yeah, I thought so." She sighs. "I went home, but I had this strange feeling that there was something wrong with you, so I came back." "It's just a minor medical issue." "AIDS?" "No, I'm safe." "Blindness?" "No." "Is it like a parasite or a virus or something you get from a bee?" "I have a hernia." "Do you have syphilus?" "I said it's a hernia." "I know. It's possible to have two things. You need a ride to the hospital?" "Yes, please." "Okay...But I rode my bike here, so I have to go home and get my dad's station wagon." "Thank you." "Bye." (She walks in place.) "You're still here." 'Yeah. Just wanted to see if you could tell." (She leaves.)
"What's my crime here? Parking while Indian?" - Tom. "No, sir, there are no stereotypes about Indians sitting in vehicles." - Dave the cop.
(After a very long wait, April reappears.) "Yo. I had to wait until my dad fell asleep so I could steal his keys. Ya ready?" "I was born ready. I am Ron _______ Swanson." (She stares at him for a minute,, then starts wheeling his office chair down the hallway.)
"Just wanted to say thank you for having me arrested as a pervert the other night. That was cool." - Tom to Mark and Ann. "We didn't think you were a pervert....we though you were a criminal." - Mark.
Episode Three, "Beauty Pageant".
"I don't know...I just don't think I could date anyone who doesn't share my interests. I mean ,what about you; could you date someone who didn't love giving vaccinations?" - Leslie asks Ann. "I've never dated anyone that loves giving vaccinations."
(After agreeing to fix Ann's shower, and she's paying him by making a meal.) "Okay, then, sounds great; and I will see you tonight for the weirdest second date ever." - Mark.
(Out of desperation for cash, April entered the Miss Pawnee beauty pageant. She's trying to fake her way through the introduction here.) "Hello...! I'm April Ludgate, and I like....people! And places. And things! ...And Pawnee is my favorite place in the whole world!"
"Here we have Leslie's custom score card, with categories such as: Presentation, Intelligence, Knowledge of Herstory, Fruitful Gestures, Jenna Sa Qua, and something called The Naomi Wolff Factor." - Tom. (Another is Voice Modulation.)
"My girl Trish is talented!" - Tom says excitedly during a quote 'baton routine". "She's not even twirling the baton." - an irritated Leslie snaps.
"Andy? I know you're in there, because I can see you through the screen." - Ann, on finding out that Andy is living in the Sullivan Street Pit; he's hiding from her in his tent.
"Okay, well, here we come to the dreaded Q-and-A session...." - Beauty Pageant Emcee.
"No, I didn't win. But at least I didn't make any new friendships." - April.
"That went really well! We had dinner! I got to see her!" - Andy, talking about crashing Mark and Ann's date.
Episode Four, "Practice Date".
"One more shocking revelation in a story that just won't stop unfolding..." - Perd Hapley discussing the newest Councilman Dexhart scandal.
"Why anyone would want to run for public office is beyond me. You're just asking to have your entire life exposed." - Mark. "Well, when you're squeaky clean like me, you don't have anything to worry about." - Tom. "Okay, uh, you're married, and you hit on women all the time." - Mark.
"Dave and I are going on our first date tomorrow. I am not nervous at all." (Leslie's phone rings, she throws it into a bookcase, where it breaks in half ) "That was my phone."
"Hey, whatcha doing?" - Mark to Ann. "On my way to have lunch with Leslie; what about you?" "Oh, well, I'm on my way to find scandalous information about my coworkers for a game we're playing." "My taxes pay your salary, right?"
"Hey, can you help me pick out something to wear? Like, a pair of cargo pants?" - Leslie. "I...wouldn't go with cargo pants," - Ann, cautiously. "What about a sexy hat?" "I don't even know what that is..."
(Later.) "Hey, can I ask you a question? - Leslie. "Shoot." "What if he asks me if I've ever been married?" "...Have you?" "No." "Well...then, say that." (Still later.) "I just have a few more questions for you, Ann. What if he shows up at the door with another woman; what if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly; what if instead of Tic Tacs I accidentally pop a couple of Ambien and I keep punching my leg to stay awake?" "Those are all insane hypotheticals, and I promise you, they won't happen." "They have happened. All of these have happened to me. And there's more; one time I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine. Once I went out with a guy who wore 3-D glasses the entire evening. And one time I rode on the sidecar of a guy's motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs. Another time I went to a really boring movie with a guy, and while I was asleep he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a few times after that, but then he got weird."
(After reading Leslie's note-cards of Possible Conversation Topics on the practice date. The topics are Whales, Parades, and Electricity.) "Leslie's...in worse shape than I thought." - Ann, frowning.
"Mark. A little birdie told me that you have one unpaid parking ticket." - Jerry. "Oh, really? That's funny, cause a little birdie told me that your adoptive mother was arrested for marijuana possession." "What?" "You didn't know that, huh?" "I didn't know I was adopted."
(Tom enters Mark's office, right off Ron learning that Tom's wife Wendy only married him to stay in the country, since she's Canadian and couldn't get a work permit.) "Mark." "Tom." "You hate Ron, right?" "No. I think Ron is fine."
"...You make a better door than a guy..." - drunk Leslie to Dave. (Later, same scene.) "Okay. I'm gonna give you a lift home." - Dave. "Oh, really? In England they call elevators lifts, so I guess you're going to give me an elevator ride home?"
"Is it weird that my feelings are hurt that no one's found any dirt on me yet? HELLO, I DROVE A RIDING LAWN MOWER THROUGH A NORDSTROM'S. THERE"S VIDEO. THAT I TOOK. IT'S ON THE INTERNET." - April talking to herself, and then inside-yelling at Donna.
"Jerry. Plastic surgery?" - Tom. "I got hit by a fire truck." "You are so lucky." - April. "...How?"
Episode Five, "Sister City".
"April, you speak Spanish, right?" Leslie asks. "(You bury yourself in your work because you are unhappy in your personal life.)" "Oh, good. Excellent." - Leslie grins, not understanding any of it.
"(In Venezuela, government internships are coveted positions. You must be well connected.)" - the Venezuelan intern says to April. "(Yes, I am very powerful and feared by many.)" "Hey, April, can you help me for just a sec-" "Go away, Jerry." He leaves, wondering. "(See?)"
(After a gift-giving ceremony, where Pawnee donated a jug of Sweetums high-fructose corn syrup and dozens of baby-bottle nipples.) "We are pleased to be standing in your dirty alleyway. We thank you for the container of sap and the bag of garbage. We are also sister cities with (Somewhere), North Korea, and their town is far nicer. We have not been here for a very long time, but what we have seen, is, from the bottom of our hearts, truly depressing. Really, really sad stuff. It's funny, because Antonio said to me, 'Can't we turn this car around, or say that we're sick or something? That we lost our way?' But of course that would be rude." - Venezuelan official.
"So what is your profession?" - Venezuelan official. "Uh, I am a city planner." - Mark. "This city was planned? On the drive over I saw a tattoo parlor next to a school, next to a Taco Bell....It looks like it was designed by a very stupid rodent." "He's actually a pretty smart rodent." - Ann defends him.
"This is outrageous. Where are the armed men who come in to take the protesters away? Where are they? This kind of behavior is never tolerated in Baraqua. You shout like that, they put you in jail. Right away. No trial, no nothing. Journalists; we have a special jail for journalists. You are stealing? Right to jail. You are playing music too loud? Right to jail! Right away. You are driving too fast? Jail. Slow? Jail. You are charging too high prices for sweaters, glasses? You go right to jail. You undercook fish, believe it or not, you go to jail. You overcook chicken; also jail. You make an appointment with the dentist and you don't show up, believe it or not, you go to jail. Right away. We have the best patients in the world. Because of jail." - Head Venezuelan official after attending a Pawnee open forum.
"What are they saying?" - Leslie. April listens for a minute to the Venezuelan officials' conversation. "Um...they are very happy...They say that Hugo Chavex will love this video, because....it is another success for their committee." "Committee?" "Yeahh. Their Committee to Humiliate and Shame America."
Episode Six, "Kaboom".
"Man, this is tough." - Ann grunts while putting playground equipment together in an Eagleton park. "Yeah, but just think of all the kids who're gonna swing on this swing! Fat kids, skinny kids, braniacs, the gay-drama kids, sluts, Goths, jocks, the alternative crowd..." - Leslie.
"Rules, ordinances, red tape! I never realized how frustrating it was to be in the government!" - Leslie complains.
"I don't want to move like a slug. I want to move like a cheetah! Or like a slug driving a remote-controlled car. Something more plausible than that! Anyway, the point is, I want this project to move faster." - Leslie still complains. "Would you be willing to break the rules?" - Mark asks, seeing a possible loophole. "I won't murder." "That's good to know..."
""Hey. What's up?" - Ann. "Say that you had this friend, and that she wanted to do something good, but a little risky, and...this friend is me. What should I do?" - Leslie. "Mmm....you should do it! And you should ask your friend to help you because your friend totally has your back. And that friend is me." "You'll help me?" "Of course! I'll do anything I can to help. Let's do it!" (They both laugh.) "Okay!" - Leslie. "What are we doing? Is it dangerous?" "We're not going to murder anyone."
"I would have preferred that she would have asked me for permission, and I would have said no. I like saying no. It lowers their enthusiasm." - Ron.
"You...know I'm kind of with Mark now, right?" - Ann. "Is that still happening?" - Andy. "Yeah. Yeah, it is." 'I don't get it; what does Mark have that I don't have?" "Are you serious?" Yeah!" "Everything! He has literally everything you don't have. A job, a car, a steady income, an address, a second pair of shoes, table manners, the ability to say 'tampon' without giggling... Mark has his life together. ...I'll get you a different nurse."
(Leslie leaves a long string of voicemails on Andy's phone, each one getting more desperate and even stranger as time passes.) 'Hmm. That was weird." - Tom says, leaning against the office doorway. "How long have you been there?!"
"He gave up a hundred thousand dollars to fill in this pit." - Leslie. "But why?" - Ann wants to know. "Who knows. Who knows why that crazy gopher does what he does." "You always hated this pit!" - Andy yells to Ann from across the lot. .
Episode Seven, "Greg Pikitis".
"Every Halloween, someone defaces the statue of Mayor Percy in Ramsett Park. And I know it's Greg Pikitis, but I've never been able to prove it. He's like an invisible adolescent James Bond supervillian criminal mastermind." - Leslie.
"Halloween is my favorite holiday. It's the best. AND I DON'T HAVE TO WORK! Hey, slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own stomachs this year!" - Ann.
"Check this out. These are all the possible routes between Greg Pikitis's house and the statue." - Leslie shows off a very highlighted Pawnee map. "That...actually looks like something you'd find on the wall of a serial killer." - Ann. "In a way, that's a compliment. Shows dedication." - Leslie.
(Admiring the statue in Ramsett Park.) "Our beloved Mayor Percy. During the Great Pawnee Bread Factory Fire, he rushed into the burning building and singlehandedly saved the recipe for Pawnee Pumpernickle." - Leslie. "Didn't like thirty people die in that fire?" - Dave. "Well, he wasn't Superman." "He looks like Ron Swanson. Is that who they based this off of?" - Andy.
(Ron meets Dr. Harris.) "Worlds colliding...always awkward." - Ann.
"8:22 p.m., suspect still socializing with friends in the parking lot. He looks obnoxious and irritating, even from a great distance." - Leslie, into Dave's radio. "Uh....confirmed." - Dave.
(Still on stakeout, 24 minutes later.) "Suspect laughing with his friends. And playing with his stupid skateboard in a snide, turdish manner." - Leslie. "'Turdish'?" - Dave.
"I am not crying; I'm simply allergic to jerks!" - Andy.
"Knope? Nope, I don't think she would make a good cop. I would be frightened to live in the town that she's the cop of." - Dave.
(Cleaning up the TP-ed Parks office.) "Why would anyone do this?" - Leslie. "Kids are kids. Everybody does stupid stuff like this in high school." - Andy. "I didn't." "Yeah, but you were probably a nerd, though, huh?" "Hey." "Leslie, I mean that in a good way. Look at you now: You're the coolest person that I've ever met. I even met John Cougar Mellencamp once."
(Wendy has awkwardly tried to thank Ron for not telling anybody that she only married Tom to stay in the country.) "No problem. I'd hate for you to have to go back to Canada. All that socialized medicine..."
Episode Eight, "Ron and Tammy".
"So, I propose we change our name from the Subcommittee for Pit Beautification to the Subcommittee for Lot Beautification." - Leslie. (April is texting.) "April, stop that. Who are you texting?" "You." "Aw, she's texting me." (Leslie reads text.) "I'm sorry you're bored."
"Pawnee's library department is the most diabolic, ruthless bunch of bureaucrats I've ever seen. They're like a biker gang, but instead of shotguns and crystal meth, they use....political savvy. And shushing!" - Leslie.
"NEWS FLASH - We're screwed. We got a big problem with the library." - Leslie, to everybody in an office meeting. "Punk-ass book jockeys..." - Tom. "Wait...why do we hate the library?" - Ann. 'The library is the worst group of people ever assembled in history. They're mean, conniving, rude, and extremely well-read, which makes them very dangerous. AND they want to steal Lot 48!" - Leslie. (Everybody goes nuts; Ann escapes.) "I'd actually like a library branch that close to my house...but there's no way I'm telling them that." (She nods at room full of angry Parks workers.)
"Of course that bitch of an ex-wife is working for the library now. Now, that is perfect. The worst human in the world is now working at the worst place in the world." - Ron. "I've got to go talk to her, and you've gotta give me something I can use. Does she have any weaknesses?" - Leslie. "No." "Whaddaya mean, 'no'? Everybody has some weakness." "Not machines. I honestly believe that she was programmed by someone in the future to come back and destroy all happiness."
(April hides behind chair in fear when Tammy Two visits the office. Tom and Jerry look extremely nervous and wish they could do the same.)
"Really, I don't see what they're all worrying about. Tammy's just a woman. A nice woman. It's not like she's a murderer. Or a dragon..." - Leslie.
"My girlfriend's ex is working a hundred feet from my desk. What do I do about it?" - Mark. "Hmm...you should...tell her to break up with you and go out with me!" - Tom. "Thanks. Can I ask you another question? Why did I come to you for advice?"
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